1 Ch. 5: Trans-Jordan Genealogy

1 Chronicles 5:18 "The Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh had 44,760 men ready for military service—able-bodied men who could handle shield and sword, who could use a bow, and who were trained for battle."

After Judah and Simeon comes Reuben, Gad, and Manasseh. These were part of Israel who were taken into captivity by Pul, the king of Assyria. Anytime these clans are mentioned, or there is detail mentioned, I find myself wanting to consider the blessings Jacob bestowed on them in Genesis 49. I'm always curious as to how they have come true, and what is meant by the words Jacob said.

Viewed as a sign of strength, Reuben, of course is infamous for bedding one of Jacob's wives, this offense led to the promise that he would no longer excel. Because of Israel's general disobedience to God, Reuben's tribe was exiled anyway.

Gad, was he attacked by a band of raiders? In 2 Kings, it appears most tribes were, but Gad was specifically singled out as attacking back. They must have had a busy, well-trained army. Verses 19-22 describe a great victory they had over the Hagrites. Must have been a long time ago. I don't know. Towards the end of the time before the exile, it doesn't sound as though Israel was given much military victory.

Manasseh didn't have a great recount here. They had great numbers and were famous, but gave in to prostituting themselves to gods of nations that God went ahead and overthrew. God went ahead and destroyed these nations, but their gods were still worshipped. Kind of sadly ironic.

1 Ch. 4: The Mantra of Jabez

1 Chronicles 4:10 "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request."

Jacob's sons' lines, those of Judah and Simeon are listed here. And it's just a long list of names...weird sounding names. With a couple of little bits here and there.

The first such diversion is that of Jabez. He is mentioned in this scripture as being more honorable than his brothers. And this verse blew up into the much ballyhooed "Prayer of Jabez" phenomenon that swept Christendom 5-10 years ago. I never read any of those books/calendars/keychains/cds/journals/whatever. So I don't know what the big deal with the book was. But I do remember it saturating the market, which always makes me skeptical. First of all, who wouldn't pray something like this? Maybe someone who didn't believe in God, as Jabez apparently did. I don't know if he lived during a fallen time, or during a time of high belief in God, the former being more reason to call him out, I suppose. But God saw fit to grant Jabez his wish. So, I wonder what Jabez did with a life of rich blessing and no pain. What would you do?

Simeon's family (as well as Judah's for that matter) increased greatly. The large numbers, through the lens of the covenant agreement, point to Israel's devotion to God at this point. Good food, rich pasture, military victory...the land was cooperating, which points to a pretty good, solid relationship between God and his people. We'll see if the numbers dwindle as we get on into the kings.

1 Ch. 3: David's Folk

1 Chronicles 3:17 "The descendants of Jehoiachin the captive: Shealtiel his son."

The narrative moves ahead of where we were at least...with Jehoiachin's offspring. 

1 Ch. 2: Israel's Line

1 Chronicles 2:1 "These were the sons of Israel: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Dan, Joseph, Benjamin, Naphtali, Gad and Asher."

More genealogy. They're all here, from Israel's (Jacob's sons) up through the descendants of Salma. There are some kings here that are familiar, that are kind of passed over in the "so-and-so begat so-and-so" fashion. 

No other nation is given a similar genealogy.

Some of these names I haven't heard before. Is it because I missed them? Maybe. There are a lot of names. Who can keep track of them? Anyway, that's not the nature of this study. And some names I haven't gotten to yet, probably. I'm only a fraction of the way through the Bible, but if these names are significant, I'll get to their vignettes soon, I'm sure.

Why a genealogy? What is the point of this record? Why is this history so important? How accurate is it? How many more are coming?

Who begat who? Its here. Who descended from who? That's here too. I guess its kind of interesting to see who was who's peer, and to get a perspective of how far apart in the Bible certain characters were.

1 Ch. 1: Adam - Edom; Edom - Adam

1 Chronicles 1:51 "Hadad also died."

What do you do in a book called 1 Chronicles? You chronicle stuff, I suppose. This chapter starts at the beginning, with Adam, and ends up with the death of Hadad, and the chiefs of Edom, who descended from Esau at the fooling of Isaac. Basically its a list of the important people. Not much to it here...everyone's here, up to Jacob and Esau. I guess the main thing to take here is that there was some history from Esau to Edom, which more or less disppears from view during the times of the conquest, save for some battles here and there against Edom. Bela, son of Beor is probably the most ... infamous? I guess we'll see what happens to Israel later.

It's a pause in the action.

2 Ki. 25: The Bubble Bursts

2 Kings 25:21 "So Judah went into captivity, away from her land. "

Babylon is still being used as the hand of judgement against Israel.

Well, as expected, Zedekiah's rebellion against Babylon was ridiculously ill-conceived and short-lived. Nebuchadnezzar responded with seige, and killing. It reads like a depressing last-ditch effort by Zedekiah to reclaim what was taken, instead losing all. After trying to flee, the royal family was wiped out, the officials of the army and temple and the palace were killed, and all the treasures from the palace and the temple were taken. I wonder if the Babylonians knew about the Philistine's troubles with the ark...if they took it, and it survived the fire.

Babylon's soldiers basically ran in and tore the place down. They set fires and knocked down walls. I imagine there was little resistance. Already weakened by famine and defeat, the inhabitants of Jerusalem were no match for the professional invaders.

I wonder if it would have been any different had Zedekiah consulted God before attacking Babylon. Perhaps he would have been reminded of how one of Joshua's first incursions failed. 

Anyway, Nebuchadnezzar puts Gedaliah in charge of Judah, and they assassinate him and run for the hills.

Eventually, Nebucadnezzar's son, Evil-Merodach releases the still-imprisoned Jehoiachin, and seats him at his table, and even gives him an allowance. What's that about? Was Evil-Merodach being good, or condescending? Just seems kind of odd.

Judah and Israel appear to have come to an end. They have no leader. No one has been anointed. And this is because they turned to the right or the left from God's commands. Everything happened as God promised, even if it was bad stuff.

2 Ki. 24: More Bad Kings

2 Kings 24:14 "He (Nebuchadnezzar) carried into exile all Jerusalem: all the officers and fighting men, and all the craftsmen and artisans—a total of ten thousand. Only the poorest people of the land were left." 

Jehoiakim was firmly under the thumb of Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, but then decided to rebel for some reason. Terrible idea. The LORD, who was intent on the destruction of Judah, sent raiders from all over the place to keep Jehoiakim busy and distracted. Of course Jehoiakim is crushed, and his son takes over. Still repercussions from Manasseh's shedding of innocent blood during his reign.

At least they didn't have to worry about Egypt, since Nebuchadnezzar took all that land.

Jehoiachin succeeds Jehoiakim, and things only get worse. Nebuchadnezzar himself even went to Jerusalem during Babylon's seige. Easy pickings, apparently. Anyway, basically anyone with any worth was taken away to Babylon, leaving only the poor. All the LORD's treasures, since the LORD was using Babylon to judge Judah, became Nebuchadnezzar's. He then sent a force to Jerusalem to keep them in line, and then installs Jehoiachin's uncle Mattaniah as king. And he was evil too. Nebuchadnezzar, who became Israel's name changer, goes with Zedekiah for Mattaniah. Zedekiah rebels, and since Zed was evil, this could only end well.

2 Ki. 23: Josiah's 180

2 Kings 23:22 "Not since the days of the judges who led Israel, nor throughout the days of the kings of Israel and the kings of Judah, had any such Passover been observed."

The kingship in Judah looks like a turnover-filled football game. One king will run Judah one way, another king will immediately run it back the other way. And with fervor. No kings appear to just be go-to-work type kings. Either they are ardently for the LORD, or against. And passionately so, and it appears to be tied to religion.

What Josiah does to turn Judah back to the LORD reads like a religious who's who of the idols and practices of the day. Judah, in their polytheism, basically did it all. Baal. Asherah. Starry hosts. High places. Child sacrifice to Molech. The sun, Ashtoreth, Chemosh and Ashtoreth. The mediums, the spiritists, the household gods and the idols. He went so far as to slaughter the priests of the idols, and burn them on the altars meant for these other gods.

Then he commanded the celebration of Passover. Which sounds familiar, but hasn't even been mentioned since Joshua 5. commentary Like a thousand years ago.

But the LORD was still angry because of Manasseh, and despite Josiah's efforts to remove and destroy these things, Josiah was out of luck, and was killed by the Pharaoh when he took Judah to war. Josiah was even described as following the LORD with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his strength (Dt. 6:5). What was the reason for this? Why did the seemingly innocent Josiah have to pay for the actions of Manasseh and those before him? And Judah, the land of David would be subject to the same judgement as Israel.

Jehoahaz is Josiah's replacement, but is imprisoned by Pharaoh Neco so he could rule from Jerusalem. Basically an evil king, he turns Judah back around. Jehoahaz dies in captivity, and Josiah's next son, Eliakim is put on the throne by Neco, but is given the name Jehoiakim for some reason. Jehoiakim paid Neco protection money from the taxes. Jehoiakim was evil too.

And I react to this thusly. If God had allowed Josiah to keep ruling, perhaps Judah wouldn't have fallen into these evil kings this soon. But, probably, someone would have. And the hard truth of it is, Judah was in need of judgement, the way God saw it. And Josiah was the unfortunate innocent bearer of blood.

2 Ki. 22: A Humble Man Rises

2 Kings 22:19 "Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD when you heard what I have spoken against this place and its people, that they would become accursed and laid waste, and because you tore your robes and wept in my presence, I have heard you, declares the LORD."

Josiah, another boy king, does right in the eyes of God. Isn't that the case? Except for Manasseh, at least, but Joash was also described as doing what was right in the eyes of the LORD in chapter 12. Children, really. Without their faith tainted by years of human "example."

After 18 years on the throne, Josiah decides its time for remodeling the temple...which probably was in disrepair from lack of use. While the men are fixing it up, they find the book of the law. Which was quite the discovery. How long was it hidden? How was there any sense of right? Was it merely orally passed on? Like a 1000-year game of telephone? It could be an excuse for the state of evil Israel and Judah perpetually found themselves in, had not there been some positive examples along the way.

Anyway, the book is read to Josiah, and of course its very bad news, considering Israel's recent history. He is distraught by this reading, and consults the prophetess Huldah. Its of course not good news for the people or the land, but because Josiah had the sense to humble himself before God, and set his heart right, Josiah himself would be spared from that calamity. God wanted that humility, and did not get it very often. When I think about it, these laws are about humility. About not chasing after self, but living according to what God prescribed. And great reward or evasion of tragedy are the result.

2 Ki. 21: Manasseh's 180

2 Kings 21:17 "I will stretch out over Jerusalem the measuring line used against Samaria and the plumb line used against the house of Ahab. I will wipe out Jerusalem as one wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down."

Well, the spiritual prosperity was realtively short-lived. Manasseh, Hezekiah's son, didn't pay attention to how his dad ran the place. But he must have at least seen how his grandfather Ahaz did things. Chapter 21 reads a lot like chapter 16. Manasseh was a reformer as his father was, except for evil. Anything his dad tore down, Manasseh restored. Polytheism, child sacrifice, polytheism, desecrating the temple, shedding innocent blood, Manasseh did it all.

And God, of course, was not pleased. This was Judah. Israel had already failed miserably, and now God threatened to deal with Judah the same way, which is what I think that whole business about the measuring line and the plumb line means. As Samaria was devastated, plundered, and resettled, so will Jerusalem. As Ahab was dealt with, so then will be the leaders of Judah. And wiping out the dish...he wants to remove the contents from it...he will keep the dish. Again, God's commitment to a promised land is emphasized, as is his rebuke of his people who refuse to keep his covenant. Whoever comes in and plunders Judah will be used by God, but will still be an enemy of God.

Manasseh kicks off at 67, and is replaced by his 22-year-old son Amon. Amon is Manasseh part II. He basically walks in the same way as his father. Which is not good. Long-lasting reign? Hardly. Two years after his coronation, he is assassinated by his officials. And this is weird, because the people didn't want him assassinated, apparently, because they in turn murdered Amon's killers. So there was some sense of "an eye for an eye" that remained. Or does that speak to a murderous nature embedded in Judah's culture at the time?

Josiah is installed after Amon.

2 Ki. 20: Hezekiah Winds it Down

2 Kings 20:10 "It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps," said Hezekiah. "Rather, have it go back ten steps."

King Hezekiah gets old, and he has a boil or something, and he's told by Isaiah to put his house in order. Hmmm...no one likes to hear that. So he prays in tears before God to remember him, and how Hezekiah sought to walk in the ways of God. And God heard Hezekiah, and added 15 years to his life. Which is nice, but...who wants to know the exact moment they will die. I'd host my own funeral. The preservation of Hezekiah was also a preservation of Jerusalem from Assyira, apparently. His son, Manasseh, was next in line, and who knows what would have happened. Lets hope he taught him some good things.

In asking for a sign from the LORD for his healing, Hezekiah doesn't ask for much. He just wants to see the shadow recede up the stairs. In other words, for the earth to rotate the other way for a couple of hours. That's all.

The king of Babylon heard about Hezekiah's illness, and sends him spies...I mean...messengers, a "Get Well Soon" envoy, as it were, with mylar balloons and those little flowers and all that. For some reason, Hezekiah shows the messengers all of the riches in Jerusalem's storehouses. He hides nothing. I don't know why he would do this, and it earns him a rebuke from Isaiah later on. Perhaps Hezekiah just thought the best of Babylon's king and people, figuring these were now going to be his allies. 

Because of this error, Isaiah prophesies that it's all going to be carried off, and some of Hezekiah's own sons will become eunuch's in the Babylonian palace. Nice. There's no offspring in eunucy. Hezekiah still manages to call this good, possibly because he trusts God, but I wonder if it's because he believes he won't be around to see it?

2 Ki. 19: God is Like, Whaaat?

2 Kings 19:27 "But I know where you stay and when you come and go and how you rage against me." 

Hezekiah's staff is understandably distressed by what Sennacherib was saying. Who wouldn't be?Israel had a poor recent history of defending itself. Foreign leaders did whatever they wanted, took what they wanted, and basically pushed everyone around. Why would Sennacherib, "Snatch-Up-A-Rib" as my classmates at Grace Bible College called him, be any different? But Hezekiah at least shows some hope in verse 4 that the LORD could prevent it, where other leaders would have caved instantly.

Isaiah's like, "Don't sweat it, he'll get some bad news, and then get sworded. No big deal."

Sennacherib does what most do who don't rely on the LORD. He depends on his own reputation and past accomplishments, believing they will stand up against God. And of course he believes this, he conquered all these other nations who weren't ruled by God, and frankly, probably did it with God's own power, to set up this showdown.

Hezekiah asks God to show His power and "do his thing" with Assyria, so that the nations would know, realizing that these other gods are not "Gods," but things fashioned by men.

Isaiah relays a message from God concerning Assyria that is pretty vivid. Where Sennacherib assumed he was in control, it is God who will do what he wants. Where Sennacherib exalts himself, God will humiliate him. Where Sennacherib thinks he steps on his own property, it belongs to God ultimately. Where Sennacherib believes he has destroyed morale, God will be their hope.

And perhaps the most damning part of the prophecy is that Assyria won't even have a chance to march on Jerusalem...won't even be able to fire one arrow. And of course, the Angel of God comes in the night, and puts to death 185,000 Assyrian soldiers. Which is just a ridiculous number. And Assyria probably could have conquered Jerusalem with a tenth that number. Numbers are no match for an almighty God. In fact, this tactical blunder probably rendered Assyria powerless, for putting all their baskets in one egg.

And of course, as Isaiah prophesied, Sennacherib was put to death by the sword while worshipping his god Nisroch.

2 Ki. 18: Sennacherib Runs His Mouth

2 Kings 18:22 "And if you say to me, "We are depending on the LORD our God"-isn't he the one whose high places and altars Hezekiah removed, saying to Judah and Jerusalem, "You must worship before this altar in Jerusalem"

While Hoshea flushed Israel down the toilet, Hezekiah took control in Judah. Apparently, he was a good man. He did what I was hoping he would do. (Man, I'm rooting for these Israelites.)  What made him like this? Ahaz was among the worst people ever. He certainly fell far from that fig tree. And it wasn't like Hezekiah engineered a gradual turnaround...he tore up the high places, the Asherah poles and the sacred stones. Remember that bronze serpent Moses made? Hezekiah destroyed that too. People were worshipping it. Of course. I wonder if Moses ever conceived that thing would one day become Nehushtan. 

It's probably no coincidence that Hezekiah followed the LORD, doing what Moses did, and then the LORD gave him success. That was the deal. 

I don't know what happened that Sennacherib was able to lay siege to the cities in Judah. Hezekiah was able to repel the Philistines, but when the Assyrians came, he apparently lost his cool. Or maybe he made a deal. I don't know, I wasn't there. But anyway, he pays tribute to Assyria with the gold from the temple. Its an interesting sort of sad thing that these things that are intended to imbue the temple with majesty and value end up being used to pay extortionists, time and again. Not what was meant to be.

Sennacherib follows by making a blustering propagandized speech to Hezekiah's staff through his field commander. He mocks Judah's military, their strategy, their alliance with Egypt, and like those in modern days, distorts who God is, referencing how Hezekiah destroyed "the LORD's" high places. 

Hezekiah's men, who wanted to spare the nearby Judahites from hearing this speech in Hebrew, requested that Sennacherib's commander speak to them in Aramaic. He refuses, continuing to diminish and ridicule Hezekiah's abilities and the LORD's power, instead promising a better life under Assyrian rule. No god, according to Sennacherib, has been able to deliver his people from the rule of Assyria, even Israel's false gods. Surprise. 

This made Hezekiah's men sad, of course, and they went back to the king mourning...he's going to do something awesome, right? That's how it works, right?

2 Ki. 17: Pictures of the Gone World

2 Kings 17:15 "They rejected his decrees and the covenant he had made with their fathers and the warnings he had given them. They followed worthless idols and themselves became worthless. They imitated the nations around them although the LORD had ordered them, "Do not do as they do," and they did the things the LORD had forbidden them to do."

This chapter paints a bleak picture of Israel's past, present and future. It's a pretty disheartening read. Hoshea is the last king of Israel, imprisoned by Shalmaneser, king of Assyria, who found out Hoshea had paid tribute instead to So, king of Egypt. With their king captured, and no God behind their army, Israel was an easy target for seige and conquest. It is at this point that God removes his hand of protection from Israel.

His covenant was direct and simple. Don't follow the other gods. Follow only the LORD. This, though simple in theory, apparently was very difficult in practice. Israel had a good time completely annihilating other nations, but I think they missed the point as to why they were doing it. Not only to be God's hand of judgement on sinful nations, but to keep their gods and practices out of sight, and out of mind.

But this appears to only work to a point. Time after time, the Israelites spared certain nations, spared certain people, made deals, and intermarried with those with other religions. Intended for strict monotheism, Israel gradually accelerated a slide into ardent polytheism. The invisible God was not enough for them. The tangibility and immediacy of graven images were quick answers. The invisible God had very visible and tangible power, ironically, while the idols had none whatsoever.

It's sad that not even one person or tribe could be mentioned as noteworthy in their devotion to God, whereas Noah was at least one person in the entire world.

The Israelites practiced their idolatry right alongside their worship of God. They were aware of the LORD. They had some sense of a need to worship Him. But it was a general sense, evidenced by their dual-purposed worship. The word says that they worshiped God along with their idols. Everywhere there were altars and incense and asherah poles.

Why would God allow this to happen? No, Israel chose this fate. A holy God requires holy devotion. God is simply not content to share the throne, share the temple, share offerings or altars. It is God and God alone.

Israel had no reason to be surprised, God made it clear numerous times through their history what would happen if they turned away, and it all came to pass. The death, the captivity, the scattering. What's next?

2 Ki. 16: Ahaz Does His Own Thing

2 Kings 16:11 "So Uriah the priest built an altar in accordance with all the plans that King Ahaz had sent from Damascus and finished it before King Ahaz returned."

Ahaz was Jotham's son. He is in the line of David, but he doesn't act like David, which is not Fark-worthy news. But he does manage to sacrifice his child, which is just about as detestable as one can get.Ahaz is known for generally doing whatever he wants in the way of religion. So he's religious, but kind of does whatever he wants, which is not what God instructed. The LORD intended his commands to be followed to the smallest detail. Ahaz is like, "Meh, whatever." For example, after paying the king of Assyria protection money from Aram and Israel with the gold and silver in the LORD's temple, he sees an altar that looks cool in Damascus.

He has this altar built by the priest, Uriah. And then he switches around the altars and basins at the temple to do whatever he wants. Forget what God said they were to be used for, Ahaz is going to do what he will.

This should end well.

2 Ki. 15: As The World Turns

2 Kings 15:29 "In the time of Pekah king of Israel, Tiglath-Pileser king of Assyria came and took Ijon, Abel Beth Maacah, Janoah, Kedesh and Hazor. He took Gilead and Galilee, including all the land of Naphtali, and deported the people to Assyria." 

This chapter briefly lists several kings of Israel, and a couple kings of Judah. None of them appear to have done anything really noteworthy. They were evil, killed pregnant women, lost a lot of land...you know...generally clowns.

Judah

Azariah (Uzziah) - Took the throne at 16, reigned 52 years. Was apparently good. Didn't remove the high places for offerings. Was afflicted with leprosy, and Jotham took care of the day-to-day operations of the kingshippery. That's a long time to have leprosy. I suppose any length of time is, but...

Jotham - Took the throne at 25, reigned 16 years. What is with these people not removing the high places? That seems to be the one thing keeping a king from having a truly great reign. Succeeded by his son Ahaz.

Israel

Zechariah - Reigned 6 months. Generally evil. This was the fourth and final generation removed from Jehu, as Elisha prophesied. And sure enough, he was assassinated publicly by Shallum, who assumed power.

Shallum - Reigned 1 month. Probably didn't have time to be evil or good, but I would assume he would have been evil, had the brutal Mehahem not overthrown him.

Menahem - Reigned 10 years. Ripped open the pregnant women of Tiphsah because they wouldn't open their gates to his marauders. Menahem was the first democrat, because he taxed the wealthy men. This money was used to pay off Pul, the invading Assyrian king. 

Pekahiah - Reigned 2 years, did evil. Besides his name sounding like someone telling a Black-rumped Flameback what to do, Pekahiah was assassinated in the palace by one of his chief officers, Pekah, who assumed the throne.

Pekah - Reigned 20 years, did evil. Pekah had a lot of trouble with the invading Assyrians. The king, Tiglath-Peliser took a bunch of land, and deported a bunch of land, and deported people to his land. Perhaps a nod to Dt 4:7. Hoshea follows the assassination trend, and kills Pekah, assuming the throne.

So this is the common thread between Israel and Judah. Israel refused to not be like Jeroboam, and Judah wouldn't centralize the offerings and sacrifices. Where were their priests?

2 Ki. 14: More Civil War

2 Kings 14:23 "In the fifteenth year of Amaziah son of Joash king of Judah, Jeroboam son of Jehoash king of Israel became king in Samaria, and he reigned forty-one years." 

Joash's son Amaziah takes power in Judah. Amaziah is reported as doing right in the eyes of the LORD, but not as good as David. And I thought, why didn't those who killed his father take control? Maybe they tried, but Amaziah had them killed. But he didn't kill their sons in accordance with Dt. 24:16. Which was nice. Amaziah's one great military exploit is listed as crushing the Edomites in the Valley of Salt.

Then he picks a fight with Jehoash from Israel. Jehoash rocks his world, but not before warning Amaziah in a cryptic parable about a thistle and a cedar. Amaziah stuck to his stance, and as a result was himself captured by Jehoash and Jerusalem was looted. He was killed upon his escape attempt. Should've consulted God, I s'pose.

In Judah, Amaziah is followed by his 16-year-old son, Azariah.

Meanwhile, Jeroboam II takes over for Jehoash in Israel. It says it was during the 15th year of Amaziah, so...who really captured Amaziah? Was there a co-regency? Was Amaziah taken in a time of transition? Hmm...

Jeroboam II was described as someone who didn't deviate from the example set by the first Jeroboam. While he was evil, God still used him to save territory. Jeroboam II increased Israel's territory. Apparently God was done reducing the size of Israel's territory...or Jeroboam was disobedient? 

After Jeroboam II's death, Zechariah became king.

2 Ki. 13: Elisha Dies

2 Kings 13:23 "But the LORD was gracious to them and had compassion and showed concern for them because of his covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. To this day he has been unwilling to destroy them or banish them from his presence."

With the litany of kings Israel had that did evil in the sight of the LORD, there is apparently one common thread. The Bible compares them all to Jeroboam. A dubious distinction, to have your own evil deeds be the benchmark of despotism and wrongdoing. Chapter 13's Jehoahaz and Jehoash, who followed Jehu, were no exception. However, God did listen to Jehoahaz's appeal to give relief temporarily to Israel from the oppression of Hazael. 

Jehoash was on the throne in Israel at the death of Elisha. As the final guidance, Elisha instructs Jehoash to shoot an arrow out the East Window. This was the LORD's Arrow. It signified defeat of Aram. Next, Jehoash was told to strike the ground with the arrows. He did so three times, and an angry Elisha told him that he should have done it like 5 or 6 times. Now they would only defeat Aram three times. That stinks.  Like Jehoash had any clue what Elisha was driving at. Possibly because he didn't know what God was driving at. He didn't consult the Urim or Thummim. That's what happens when a king's (nation's) relationship with God deteriorates. They are clueless and can't read the signs. But what I take away here is that the remembrance of the covenant with the forefathers comes from God. Usually it's a king or a priest that resets the covenant, but here God is the rememberer.

So Elisha dies, and he isn't taken as Elijah was, and even in death, he has the touch of life. Apparently some dudes were burying some guy, and when the Moabites came on their annual spring raid, they tossed the corpse into Elisha's grave. And when it touched his bones, the man sprang to his feet. Yiy. Can you imagine? If I was that guy, I'd say, "What, you guys just toss me into some random grave? No respect." Anyway, what happened to this guy? Did he go rest  with his fathers? Then comes back? What happens here!?

Eventually Hazael dies, and his son, Ben-Hadad, succeeds him. Yeah. Ben-Hadad. That was the guy Hazael murdered and overthrew. Then he names his son the same thing. High strangeness man. Can you imagine Barack Obama naming his son George when he becomes president?

2 Ki. 12: Extreme Makeover: Temple Edition

2 Kings 12:15 "They did not require an accounting from those to whom they gave the money to pay the workers, because they acted with complete honesty."

Joash is reported to have done what is right in the eyes of the LORD, except that he did not tear down the high places...where offerings and sacrifices were made. The high places sort of demeaned the purpose of the temple. They were people's attempts to reach God on their own terms, as opposed to the way that was commanded. This is bad, by the way. 

Jehoiada, who was a good guy, still had his failings. He apparently taught Joash well, excepting the high places, and then later when the money is collected for years as the temple's Building Fund disappears and no repairs are made for a decade and a half. He did not account for it. It just kind of got embezzled. As Smithers would say "I've got a much more sinister word for it, sir. Misappropriation."

Jehoiada made the first offering box in the history of time, and whenever it got filled, it was given over to the workmen to prepare materials and make the repairs to the temple. And I'm just floored by verse 15. They didn't have to account for the money, because of total honesty? Really? With the creation of earth, reanimation of the dead, and the floating axhead in mind, I find this the hardest to believe of all the bits in the Bible to this point.

Anyway, Hazael from Aram comes and is going to bully Jerusalem, but Joash pays him off. With this Era of Good Feelings, I would have assumed that Joash's army, with the help of the LORD, could have easily repelled any attack. Why didn't they do it? Was Joash afraid? Did he not have a commander like Abner or something? What's the deal? In chapter ten, the LORD was said to begin to reduce Israel's territory. Perhaps Hazael, devious assassin that he was, was God's instrument in this. Even when Judah's leadership took a turn for the positive.

Joash was assassinated by his officials. It doesn't say why. They may not have appreciated his stance on paying off Hazael, or maybe it was his adherence to the covenant. It may have been his annoying laugh. Anyway, something he did made someone mad.

2 Ki. 11: Child on a Leash

2 Kings 11:18 "All the people of the land went to the temple of Baal and tore it down. They smashed the altars and idols to pieces and killed Mattan the priest of Baal in front of the altars. Then Jehoiada the priest posted guards at the temple of the LORD."

It looks to me like Athaliah, Ahaziah's mother, was kind of the shadow king of Judah. When she found out Ahaziah was dead, she went around killing his family. She really wanted to be in charge. Athaliah's daughter by Jehoram took Ahaziah's infant son Joash and hid him in the one place Athaliah was certain to never look, the temple of the LORD.

Jehoiada, the priest, sets up guards at the temple to protect the youngster with extreme prejudice. To use lethal force even. At that point, he brings out Joash, who was seven, and crowns him the king. Athaliah, who was apparently not winning any popularity contests, comes out to see what the scuttlebutt is at the temple, and sees the rejoicing, and hears the trumpeting, and freaks out.

The guards drag Athaliah out of the temple, and put her to the sword. Jehoiada renews the covenant. Again. Between the LORD and the people. He commits the people to the LORD. Again. Which is nice to do. We'll have to see if this one takes. What steps does he take? He reads the covenant again. Then they smash the idols and kill the priest of Baal. Interesting that they only smash their own copy of Baal. Not the other copies from outside. Anyway...Joash is brought from the temple to the palace, and is ensconced on the throne. A boy king. Can you imagine how heads would roll for his tantrums? We'll see how he does. He doesn't exactly come from good parental stock.

2 Ki. 10: Jehu's Cleansing Continues

2 Kings 10:25 "As soon as Jehu had finished making the burnt offering, he ordered the guards and officers: "Go in and kill them; let no one escape." So they cut them down with the sword. The guards and officers threw the bodies out and then entered the inner shrine of the temple of Baal."

Jehu continues his vendetta against those who did evil in the sight of the LORD. He wipes out the entire line of Ahab (70 men), in accordance with Elijah's prophecy. He then wipes out the line of Ahaziah (42 men). God keeps his word with Jehu in numerous ways. His warnings that those who do not listen to him will face consequences, and Jehu delivers them. And its always death. Bloodshed. Idolatry, while not a blood-shedding action, breaks the first commandment. And as idolatry ran rampant, the other commands and laws fell away. This is why it was really important to kep the first commandment.

He even inspired that scene in The Patriot where all the people are burned in that church, you know? He assembles all the priests of Baal under the guise of offering a sacrifice to him. None of the priests see through the ruse, despite the reputation Jehu must have had at that point. Jehu did exactly what he said he would do. Not so here. He has all of his guards rush in and slaughter all the priests of Baal. I guess it was one convenient way to wipe them all out.

Jehu wasn't perfect, and even he caved into the sins of Jeroboam. But because of Jehu's initial zeal, God promises his line would sit on the throne to the fourth generation. It would suck to be Jehu's great-great-grandson. He gets nothing. That is, if God's word comes to fruition, which I assume it will.

I gotta get my hands on the book of the annals of the kings of Israel.

2 Ki. 9: Jehu Cleans House

2 Kings 9:22 "When Joram saw Jehu he asked, 'Have you come in peace, Jehu?'
'How can there be peace,' Jehu replied, 'as long as all the idolatry and witchcraft of your mother Jezebel abound?'"

All riiiiiight. Action! Finally someone does something about this bunch of evildoers. Jehu is anointed king over Israel by a prophet, and is given instructions to destroy the current despots in charge. It was getting kind of tiresome to read about how all these guys in a row were evil, and were deeply into sin. Jehu must have been a man of some reputation or heart to be anointed by God as the king of Isreal. For so long, men have just assumed power, by birthrite or by bloody coup. The last king anointed by God was...Solomon. Long dead.

Jehu then goes about his business in speedy fashion, driving his chariot like a madman. He bumrushes Jezreel, where Joram and Ahaziah were hanging out, recovering from their battle with Hazael. The lookouts see this maniac driving across the plain, pedal to the metal, and send out messengers. He blows by them , bringing his troops straight into Jezreel like a scene out of Lord of the Rings. Joram is Arrowed!! by Jehu himself, and Ahaziah is wounded, dying a short time later in Megiddo.

What happens to Jezebel? She's thrown out of the castle by some eunuchs, and then later when they go to bury her, dogs have eaten her corpse. Tasty. She was unrecognizable as Jezebel. Awesome.

2 Ki. 8: Royal Line of Succession...Er...Failure

2 Kings 8:12 "Why is my lord weeping?" asked Hazael.

"Because I know the harm you will do to the Israelites," he answered. "You will set fire to their fortified places, kill their young men with the sword, dash their little children to the ground, and rip open their pregnant women."

The Shunammite woman's land is restored. She was told by Elisha to go away for seven years, because her land would be confaminated. She wisely goes and lives amongst the Philistines for some reason. Having a conference with Gehazi (pre-leprosy?) and the king, she has her land restored, and all the money which was given to her. So she gets hooked up. Creditors at bay. A son. Son restored. Homestead restored after famine. I guess she got God's Deluxe Package! Was it merely because she built the man of God a room? Probably. And I wondered why she was different than all these kings who offered Elisha wealth and property. Probably because she just wanted to be kind. Excess isn't kindness. Excess stinks of making a deal, a compromise. Something the proper prophet was instructed and warned against...with dire consequences for disobedience.

Moving on, more kings. More evildoers. Another in the line of David is evil, but God keeps the candle burning for David. David's line must have some significance above all the others.

In Aram, Ben-Hadad is murdered and succeeded by Hazael. Hazael get's verse 12's gem prophesied about him.

In Judah, Jehoram succeeds Jehoshaphat, and is evil. Ahaziah succeeds Jehoram, and is evil too. Ahaziah took Joram of Israel to war against Hazael of Aram.So, good times Israel/Judah/Aram. Way to go.

2 Ki. 7: The Case of the Plundering Lepers

2 Kings 7:16 "Then the people went out and plundered the camp of the Arameans. So a seah of flour sold for a shekel, and two seahs of barley sold for a shekel, as the LORD had said."

Being unfamiliar with the economy in Israel a million years ago, I wouldn't know from anything if a shekel for a seah of flour or two seahs of barley was a good deal, as Elisha said the deal would be. Apparently it would be, because of the reference to God opening the floodgates of heaven. Presumably for rain. To grow flour and barley. The king apparently wouldn't be alive to see it, though.

Meanwhile, these lepers are just chilling out, kind of running out the clock, and they decide to go into the city, because if they stay out where they are, they're dead, and if they go into the city, they may be spared. They happen upon the Aramean army camp. Which is deserted. Because the Arameans were duped by the LORD into thinking the Hittites and the Egyptians were attacking. Which they weren't. So the lepers plunder their tents. Its interesting that they say what they're doing is wrong. Not the stealing. No, that's totally fine. Its the not sharing the news with the king. Aramea was the enemy. So the king, who had no idea what was going on, sent out some scouts to see what made the Arameans flee.

And in the panic, the king got trampled in the gateway. He would not be able to see the low-cost barley economy. Just as Elisha said.

2 Ki. 6: Swing that Gospel Axe

2 Kings 6:16 "Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

So Elisha's out with the prophets, and they tell him where they meet is too small, so they build another bigger meeting place. An axe falls apart (they had Wal-Marts back then, too) and the head flies into the river. Gone. Work done, everyone chills. Wrong. Elisha cuts a stick, throws it into the river, and the axhead floats to the service. No, the axhead it wasn't made of balsam. Probably iron.

So that's a miracle, which is neat.

Aram eventually goes to war with Israel, and sneak attacks don't work, because Elisha, the prophet keeps telling the king. Easy, thinks the king of Aram. He'll just send everyone, and forego surprise for sheer numbers. Elisha's servant freaks out when he sees how many of the enemy are outside. Elisha's like Mr. Miyagi, though...cool. God sends an army of flaming angels and chariots. How awesome is that. It says the hills were filled with them. Elisha prays and has the eyes of the servant opened to see them. So...are the non-prophets eyes closed by God to certain things? How much more confident would you be if God showed you everything you could not see otherwise.

Then Elisha prays and has the eyes of the attacking Aramean army closed with blindness. Then this army is led to Samaria, where, in an act of grace, Elisha has the king feed them instead of slaughter them. Weird change of course for a nation that typically slaughters their enemies completely. I imagine the enemy army had to be trembling in fear as they were led all that way...

Then a famine happens which leads to cannibalism. Which...I don't recall was explicitly condemned in the Bible at this point. But it sounds like something...something that happens when you don't follow God completely...oh yeah. The king naturally blames the man of God, and sends hitmen to kill him. Of course Elisha sees it. So, we'll see what happens.

2 Ki. 5: No Other Naaman

2 Kings 5:14 "So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy."

Naaman is Aram's army commander. He got leprosy. Naaman's wife had a servant girl captured from Israel who told her about Elisha. She told Naaman, and Naaman told the king. The king sent Naaman to Israel, along with a note asking for Naaman's delivery. The king (presumably Ahab or Joram) loses his mind, realizing he is not God, tearing his robes. He probably figured that if he let the king of Aram down, they'd have to go to war. Elisha heard about the robe-tearing (royal robe-tearing must have made headlines back a million years ago). Elisha reminded him that he was the prophet, and he can do something.

So Naaman and his entire entourage of chariots and soldiers and stuff show up and Elisha's house (can you imagine?) and ask Elisha to heal him. Naaman is told to wash himself in the Jordan seven times. The Jordan was apparently nasty, as Naaman suggests it would have been better to go to some rivers in Damascus that are cleaner.

As he's leaving, his servants tell him an amazing piece of advice:

"My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, 'Wash and be cleansed'!"

Its good advice, and it comes from someone subservient. So maybe we should listen to those on occasion who we may consider "beneath" us, in a spiritual sense. Sometimes....right? It ultimately convinces Naaman to do it, and he is healed. He offers monetary reward, and once again the prophet refuses reward. This concept probably hearkens back to the priestly code, where the priesthood was the reward.

Gehazi refused to heed this memo, and his greed is rewarded with leprosy, the disease cleansed from Naaman.

2 Ki. 4: All I Need Is 4 Miracles

2 Kings 4:35 "Elisha turned away and walked back and forth in the room and then got on the bed and stretched out upon him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes."

Elisha has this whirlwind of miracles. The renewing oil, the widow's son, saving the stew, and feeding 100 people. There doesn't appear to be a recurring theme in all four stories, other than that they are miracles. In three of the four, there is more or plenty where there was nothing, or not enough.

The first one is with the oil. This widow tells Elisha that her husband is dead, and a creditor is coming to take her two boys as slaves. I don't know what that's all about. Slavery was not forbidden, and Israelites could own other Israelites as slaves. At least until Jubilee. Anyway, Elisha has her collect as many jars from her neighbors as she can, and then has her pour her little container of oil into all the jars. Her little jar fills all these other jars up. I don't know how many, but the sale of it was enough for her sons to live on, so it must have been a lot.

Here's a case where someone had very little, and God multiplied it, preserving a family. But it wasn't extravagant, or showy. When the jars ran out, the oil ran out. God didn't give her too much.

Then next one is another barren womb. A woman, out of the goodness of her heart, and probably expecting nothing in return, provides a place for the traveling prophet to stay at her house. Because of this generosity, Elisha promises her a baby. Even though she was old, like Sarai was. But that's not the only miracle. One day her son is working in the field and has a fatal migraine or something. Elisha invents CPR, and restores the boy who was dead (v. 20). Its a rather bizarre ritual, Elisha stretching out on top of the boy, completely covering him. It was total. The boy came back to life. Would the Shunnamite woman be satisfied if the only miracle was her actually having a son? If God hadn't restored the boy, what would she have thought, after she was done grieving? I think the faith she had in sending for Elisha is pretty amazing. She knew this wasn't the end of it, as her husband probably did. Also of interest is the inadequacy of the actions of his servant Gehazi, who Elisha sent first to touch his staff to the boy's faith. Why didn't that work? Did Elisha know that this would fail? Its an interesting question to me.

The next one is a little strange. There's this gathering of prophets, and of course they get hungry. The servant gathers gourds to put in the stew, but it freaks out the prophets who calim there is death in the pot? Death? Was it gross? Or too thin? Would people have died? Elisha calls for flour in the pot, and it counteracted the death. Weird, man.

The final miracle is kinda similar to the first but different. A man brings Elisha 20 loaves of barley bread and some heads of grain to feed a hundred men. And at first blush, it looks like enough to me. How big does a loaf have to be to feed 5 men? Pretty big. Apparently, this twenty wasn't going to cut it.

The prophet says the LORD told him, "They will eat and have food left over." In this case, God provides the plenty, but then goes beyond that. Why? Was it important to God to show that he can give more than what we need? Should we expect that from him?

And God solves problems differently than I would. In the first miracle, I'd just poof some gold into existence so the lady could pay the creditor. In the second...I can't really imagine a way I'd do something different, except I wouldn't let the boy have a headache. In the third...I'd just poof some stew into existence. In the fourth...a hundred sandwiches. And why wouldn't the bread just keep appearing in the basket? Maybe it did. I don't know. I'm not God. I didn't write this thing.

2 Ki. 3: Moab Rule

2 Kings 3:15 "'But now bring me a harpist.' While the harpist was playing, the hand of the LORD came upon Elisha."

Israel has a new king, and because of this, one of the vassals of Israel, Moab, doesn't believe it needs to continually be forced to supply sheep to them. After all, it was Ahab who had made that deal, and he was dead.

The evil Joram, who replaced Ahab, figured this was a united kingdom effort, so he sent for Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah for his help. Jehoshaphat, still keen on consulting the LORD, asks for a prophet, and Elisha's the guy. Elisha, not surprisingly isn't thrilled about possibly helping Joram, and sarcastically makes his feelings known, suggesting Joram consult his own gods. Finally Elisha relents, and calls for a harpist. Music helped him prophesy? Is that what I am to believe? Did the spirit come upon him from the playing of music?

I always find the prophet's words so interesting:

"This is what the LORD says: Make this valley full of ditches. For this is what the LORD says: You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your cattle and your other animals will drink. This is an easy thing in the eyes of the LORD; he will also hand Moab over to you. You will overthrow every fortified city and every major town. You will cut down every good tree, stop up all the springs, and ruin every good field with stones."

The LORD alone has the ability to fill something with water where there is no wind nor rain. It's easy. Nothing is too hard for the LORD. After Moab was spared previously, the LORD instructs the complete destruction.

The ditches must have seemed absurd to Israel at the time, but it was the sunrise over them when the LORD filled them with water that made them look like blood. It was as if Israel had cut gashes into the land, and these gashes would save them. This led Moab to believe Israel and Judah had slaughtered each other. And this makes me wonder. Did they have that reputation at the time that they hated each other? Or at the very least didn't get along?

Another thing. Israel cuts down trees here, yet were commanded not to in Deuteronomy? What's the difference? Conquest vs. Non-conquest?

2 Ki. 2: Elijah Flies Away, O Glory.

2 Kings 2:11 "As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind."

This chapter is spectacular. Elijah is apparently ready go, and Elisha will succeed him as THE prophet. Apparently there were THE prophets and there were some prophets. Elijah tells Elisha to stay where they are, in Gilgal. But Elisha insists on coming with Elijah. I imagine that made Elijah feel like an annoyed big brother. Elijah may have just wanted to be alone. He knew something huge was about to take place, and maybe he didn't feel like he should share it with anyone else. Why would he keep telling Elisha to stay where he is? Instead, Elisha refuses, and goes with Elijah to Bethel, to Jericho, and finally to the Jordan.

Elijah has finally had it with Elisha following him around, and I imagine is question about "What can I do for you before I go?" is more out of exasperation than actually offering something. What could Elijah offer Elisha? What was Elijah actually going to do? Elisha takes full advantage of this opportunity, and asks for a double portion of the spirit Elijah had. Which may not have been Elijah's to give. Perhaps this was a request of God? So that is how prophecy works... It's God doling out portions of spirit? God gives however much He sees fit. It is not learned. It isn't taken. It's given. At God's discretion, regardless of who asked for it.

The text says Elijah was taken up to heaven. He didn't die. He wasn't gathered to his fathers. Why? Until this point, and relative to the litany of other figures, Elijah was rather minor. There were greater names, Abraham, Moses, Joseph, Joshua, David, Solomon, etc. Why does Elijah get a flaming horse and chariot ride up to heaven? Why are these other figures in the grave? Why aren't they in heaven? When do they go to heaven? Will they?

And I don't know yet if Elisha received that double portion. He saw what happened to Elijah, but it doesn't say he saw Elijah, which was Elijah's stipulation for receiving that double portion.

Even at that time, the other prophets who saw that the spirit of Elijah rested on Elisha were skeptical as to what happened. They thought maybe God set him down somewhere, and despite Elisha's admonishing, they looked for Elijah for three days. Elisha's like, "I told you not to go looking for him." I love that.

Elisha heals the land of Jericho's water with salt in a bowl. Salt makes it all better. Didn't salting the land make it unproductive? And wasn't unproductive land a result of sin, according to the warnings in Deuteronomy? Yeah. So that makes it even more amazing.

Elisha may have been hurting from the loss of someone who was clearly his mentor and friend, so he probably was in no state of mind to be jeered by a bunch of punks, calling him a "baldhead." He calls down a curse on these kids, and 2 bears ran out of the woods and mauled 42 of them. Which is pretty...transmundane. You respect the office of prophet, lest you go the way of Timothy Treadwell. For an in-depth summary of this final passage, check this out. (Not Safe For Church language...)

2 Ki. 1: Don't Light Your Own Fire

2 Kings 1:12 "But Elijah answered them, 'If I am a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty.' Then the fire of God came down from heaven and consumed him and his fifty."

Ahaziah, son of Ahab has some weird accident where he falls through some lattice or whatever. Who knows. Anyway, he was evil. So, curious as to whether he would recover from his sickness, he sends a cavalcade of messengers to consult Baal in Ekron.

The angel of the LORD tells Elijah that he's on. He's got to confront these messengers and ask them if they're consulting Baal because there's no God in Israel. Because of this, and probably the evil, Elijah tells them that Ahaziah is gonna die.

So they go back and deliver the news, and Ahaziah sends a delegation of a captain and 50 dudes to meet Elijah and tell him to come back with him. Ahaziah has not learned from the past, where you can't order prophets around and live. Elijah says "If I am a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty." And it happens again. Finally, the third guy gets it, and the angel allows Elijah to go see Ahaziah.

There Ahaziah hears it straight from Elijah that he's gonna die. Maybe if Ahaziah had consulted God, things might have been different.

1 Ki. 22: The Double

1 Kings 22:8 "And the king of Israel said to Jehoshaphat, 'There is yet one man by whom we may inquire of the LORD, Micaiah the son of Imlah, but I hate him, for he never prophesies good concerning me, but evil.' And Jehoshaphat said, 'Let not the king say so.'"

Well, the king of Israel comes to the realization that this section of land, Ramoth Gilead, belongs to Israel, but is occupied by Syria. The king of Israel, I assume is Ahab. Jehoshaphat is the king of Judah, and he agrees to help him out. Jehoshaphat was a good king, and came from good stock (Asa). Jehoshaphat decides to consult the prophets, who clamor to say that "Now is the time to attack!" Not satisfied, Jehoshaphat asks if there are any more prophets who could say something. Boy does this guy like to be sure.

Then some guy makes some horns out of iron to defeat the Syrians. Which I don't get. What that's about. But he says the LORD told him to make them. Awesome.

There happens to be another prophet, Micaiah. Micaiah's prophecy is quite amazing. It's really a riveting read, and I hope you'll check it out. It looks like Micaiah goes along with the other prophets, and sees a victory for the king. But its tempered by him seeing Israel scattered like sheep with no shepherd on the mountains. That doesn't sound like a victory. But the LORD told him to say it, and he had to know it was going to be an unpopular prophecy. From Ahab's (presumably) conversation, it sounds like Micaiah had a history of telling him bad news. And Ahab has a history of whining.

Micaiah's not done. He goes on rather apocalyptically, seeing the LORD on the throne, surrounded by the hosts of heaven. And the LORD asked who would be the one to entice Ahab to go to Gilead and fall, and one of them steps up and says, "That's me." And how will he do it? By being a lying spirit in the mouths of the prophets. Boom. That's like the Shyamalan twist to Micaiah's prophecy. Can you imagine the reaction of these other prophets, who thought they were telling the "God's honest" truth? One of them even comes over and slaps him in the face. Zedekiah the Horn Maker asks him how he knows. Micaiah tells him he'll know when goes and hides like a bi...g wimp.

Ahab reacts expectedly, by imprisoning Micaiah. No dissenting opinions allowed. Ahab tries to subvert the prophecy by going to war in disguise, realizing the Syrian men would go after him mainly. It doesn't work. They don't kill his dupe, and Ahab ends up getting killed by some random archer. Ahab bleeds out in his chariot, which ends up being washed in the whore pond in Samaria.

The evil Ahaziah takes over for Ahab, and Jehoram takes over for Jehoshaphat.

1 Ki. 21: The Naboth Incident

1 Kings 21:25 "There was never a man like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the LORD, urged on by Jezebel his wife."

So this guy Naboth owns a vineyard. Ahab wants it for a vegetable garden. He asks Naboth to sell it or trade it to him. Naboth tells him to go f...ly a kite. Ahab comes home and throws a tantrum. His wife procures the vineyard through brutal means, and Ahab becomes the proud owner of the vineyard. So...Ahab wanted to take something that bore fruit, and make it produce vegetables. For himself.

Then Elijah comes and tells him dogs will eat his family. And Jezebel's family. Again with the dogs eating the family.

But God doesn't bring the hammer down on Ahab, because Ahab, fragile little emotional guy that he is, put on sackcloth and mourned. God promises that he will bring disaster on the family of his son.

So, Don't screw with vineyards.

Also, this Jezebel was given a long leash when it came to power with Ahab. She was brutal and mean, and I wonder if she really cared about Ahab as a man/husband. I don't know. She cared as much as she needed. She certainly didn't have any regard for human life.

1 Ki. 20: Ahab's Deadly Treaty

1 Kings 20:23 "Meanwhile, the officials of the king of Aram advised him, "Their gods are gods of the hills. That is why they were too strong for us. But if we fight them on the plains, surely we will be stronger than they."

There is war between the evil king Ahab and Ben-Hadad of Aram (Syria). There is a lot going on in this chapter. There is great disrespect from Ben-Hadad toward Ahab, as he claims that Israel's silver and gold, women and children now belong to him, and he's going to go get it tomorrow. As the verbal taunts escalate, culminating in Ahab's bon mot, Ben-Hadad issues a drunken order to attack.

Meanwhile, a prophet tells Ahab that the LORD would deliver this battle into his hands. This prophet bore enough good news to be spared, I surmise. And what do you know, with God on his side, Ahab and the Israelites devastate the Aramean army.

Ben-Hadad's misconception of who Israel's God was cost him. He figured Israel was protected by multiple gods in multiple jurisdictions. The plains gods. The hills gods. The primitive radio gods. He had no proper imagination of who God was, and how different it was to have one God over all.

At the end of the chapter is a rather difficult bit at the first read. A prophet of the LORD tells someone to wound him. Which is odd. The first man refuses to harm this prophet, and is condemned to be devoured by a frigging lion. The next guy struck him...either with a punch, or the sword, or something...anyway wounding him. In disguise, he calls out to Ahab as he passes by, telling him that he was in charge of a guy who escaped, and would pay with his life. Ahab basically says, "Serves you right." Then the prophet revealed himself to Ahab's horror and anger. This referred to the treaty Ahab made with Ben-Hadad. God gave him this victory presumably to eradicate Ben-Hadad, who attacked Israel for no apparent reason other than greed. Ahab had the chance to kill him, but let him go. I suppose this will cost Ahab his life.

1 Ki. 19: New Guy

1 Kings 19:8 "So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God."

What's most interesting to me about Jezebel's predictable reaction to the massacre of Baal's prophets is how Elijah, exhausted from fleeing the wrath of Jezebel's gods, is helped along by the Angel of God. Elijah, who just proved the superiority and Lordship of God at the altar, would surely have been protected. Why would God, who rained fire on a soaked sacrifice turn around and allow Elijah to die at the hand of a pagan? Anyway, that's not the question here. The question is, why does God sustain Elijah in his fleeing? God didn't tell him to go, but Elijah bailed. It must not have looked good for God to the Israelites, who witnessed the miracle, but now watch God's prophet run in fear from idols. I guess to me it shows how God is willing to preserve even those who disobey and turn from him...God had a plan for Elijah, and was going to see it through.

The LORD catches him in the middle part of the chapter. He asks Elijah what he's doing there. This is sort of a strange passage. Elijah answers, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

What follows is a series of huge events. The first being a wind that (apparently) dashes a mountain to pieces. Next there was an earthquake, and then a fire. And then a whisper. The great and powerful displays show God's power, but the whisper shows God's nuance. His subtlety. God was in that huge show at the altar, but where did Elijah miss something? God asks him again. Elijah answers exactly the same way, word-for-word. Did he miss something again? What does he need, God to spell it out? Fortunately, God does.

In fact God gives him very explicit instructions. To anoint a king over Aram, a king over Israel, and Elisha, Elijah's successor as prophet. God had in place a system to preserve order, including a line of succession as to who would kill rebels.

Elisha protests not when met by Elijah. In fact, all he wants to do is kiss his folks good bye, and he's out of there. In fact, he slaughters the oxen he'd been plowing with, and burns the equipments to cook the meat. He wrapped it all up pretty nicely. Then he takes off to follow Elijah. Who I don't think he knew previously. What is with that motivation? He was already going to be a prophet, so my thoughts are that God already appeared to him somehow, and prepared him for Elijah's visit. If not, Elisha is more motivated than me.

1 Ki. 18: Grace is the Smell of Rain

1 Kings 18:38 "Then the fire of the LORD fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench."

The LORD tells Elijah to go to Ahab. Ahab's wife had a habit of killing prophets. Elijah was a prophet. Elijah goes to Samaria, home of Ahab and famine. And Jezebel. Obadiah, a devout believer in God, was also Ahab's palace...do-everything...guy. Weird that Ahab allowed that. It was probably ok to be a believer, but not a devout one. Anyway, Ahab and Obadiah are trying to find pastureland, so they split up. Elijah runs into Obadiah, and, maybe shirks his responsibility? He asks Obadiah to go to Ahab and tell him that Elijah, the prophet, is there. Why else would Elijah do that? Was Elijah afraid of Ahab? Obadiah makes a pretty convincing argument that it shouldn't be him that goes instead of Elijah. Anyway, Elijah's like, "I'll go." But Obadiah tells Ahab anyway.

Ahab doesn't kill Obadiah over this tidbit of info. But Ahab does call Elijah a "troubler" of Israel. And while Elijah tells Ahab it was actually him who was the troubler, it may be true that Ahab had created a normalcy of sin, and Elijah was there to trouble that normalcy. Anyway, it's time for a showdown. Ahab's prophets of Baal, versus Elijah, the prophet of God.

What follows is a rather amazing and tragic picture of idol culture. The prophets of Baal scream and slash themselves at their altar to Baal in attempt to have their sacrifice consumed by fire, which was Elijah's challenge. Elijah mocks them, laughs at them. Fully confident in the LORD. And this makes me wonder. Were the sacrifices to Baal actually consumed? What else would make them think this could work? What else would make them act so passionately if it hadn't worked in some capacity in the past? And if it did work, how? Who?

Clearly their ceremony doesn't work. Elijah ends up drowning his altar in water, and calls out to God. The LORD rains fire and it consumes everything, the bull, the sticks, the 12 stones and the moat.

The Israelites, who have flexible loyalty, saw this and proclaimed that "The LORD is God!" At least until they get thrown off track next time. What?

Then it rains. Black clouds. Awful.

1 Ki. 17: Like Lazarus

1 Kings 17:22 "The LORD heard Elijah's cry, and the boy's life returned to him, and he lived."

Ahab was king on the throne of Israel, and was pretty freaking naughty, having built temples to Baal, and Asherah pole, and hooking up with a woman named Jezebel, a foreigner. This all added up to very unhappy God.

The next prophet, Elijah, passed on word from the LORD that as punishment for being a jackass, there will be no rain in Israel unless Elijah says so. Then the LORD gets him out there. Which is good. Evil kings have not reacted positively to bad news about their actions (See: Jeroboam). Where Elijah ends up, he will be fed bread and meat by ravens. The raven was last seen being Noah's signal that the earth was still flooded back in Genesis 8, and being declared an unclean animal in Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14. So what's the deal with that? Why would God send an unclean animal to feed Elijah? Ravens weren't to be eaten, but if they were unclean, wouldn't what they touched be unclean (Lev. 7:19)? Were they exempt from the cleanliness laws that governed people? I don't want to get hung up here, I'm just curious. It is an amazing thing to be brought sustenance by something unclean. By a bird, period. Pretty awesome.

Because of the drought, the brook that Elijah called home dried up, God sends him to Sidon, a foreign town outside Israel. There he meets a woman who gives him some water when he asks for it. As she's on her way, he asks for bread. This woman was just preparing to make the last meal for her and her son, as they are going to starve. And Elijah asks for bread.

I must admire the faith of this woman. Elijah tells her that if she goes home and makes him a cake, her flour and oil will never run out until the drought ends. And since she's from Sidon, I wonder what she knew about faith in the LORD. If anything. She knew what sin was, as when her son dies, she accuses Elijah of reminding her of her sin and killing her son. So Elijah brings the boy upstairs, prays over him, and he comes back to life! This is new territory. God is capable of restoring life to dead people. Can you imagine being deathly sick, and then what it would be like to be alive and in perfect health? Where did he go? What happened? Was he temporarily gathered to his fathers? What did he see? What did he know? What was that conversation like between him and his mother after that? Whaaaaaaaat?

Its a pretty good miracle, and that's all it took for the woman to declare her trust that the word of the LORD through Elijah was true. Not the neverending flour jar and oil jug. Flour and oil were not enough. Life is.

1 Ki. 16: In This Year of Asa King of Judah

1 Kings 16:19 "So he died, because of the sins he had committed, doing evil in the eyes of the LORD and walking in the ways of Jeroboam and in the sin he had committed and had caused Israel to commit."

Baasha's uppance comes quickly in chapter 16. He received word through the prophet Jehu that his time was over. I think God preserves a special kind of judgment on leaders who lead people into sin. The privilege is great, and so then is the responsibility. If that fails, the punishment is great. Baasha gets the Jeroboam treatment, in that his city-dwelling family will be eaten by dogs, while those who flee to or live in the country will be eaten by birds. Why the distinction? It must be symbollic, as it happens twice and is presented as some kind of awful judgment.

And there are several kings listed here in this chapter. The similarities between these guys are not only in that they did evil in the eyes of the LORD, made bad treaties, fomented idolatry and polytheism, and were generally just naughty dudes.

Look at it.

Verse 8 - "In the twenty-sixth year of Asa king of Judah, Elah..."

Verse 15 - "In the twenty-seventh year of Asa king of Judah, Zimri..."

Verse 23 - "In the thirty-first year of Asa king of Judah, Omri..."

Verse 29 - "In the thirty-eighth year of Asa king of Judah, Ahab..."

Asa, a good king, the king of Judah, keeps the fire burning, while in Israel, they keep having losers assume the throne. A condition of evil was bred. This was the culture. Short reigns. Bursts of carnality and self. Infighting and mutiny. That was how it was in Israel. Additionally, God rewards goodness and following His ways with longer reigns on the throne. Israel kept having evil guys on the throne for a few years at a time. Conversely, David went 40, Solomon went 40...Asa made it a long way, and then you have Israel's guys going two and three years...they don't have time to establish themselves as rulers, to get good at it. But I don't think they are there to get good at it, and do well by Israel.

1 Ki. 15: The Line of Genius Continues

1 Kings 15:4 "Nevertheless, for David's sake the LORD his God gave him a lamp in Jerusalem by raising up a son to succeed him and by making Jerusalem strong."

Abijah is no better than his dad Rehoboam, but still God keeps a lamp for him because of the promise made to David. And that makes me wonder. The sin, and the horrible things these people did...God still honored his promise in spite of their failings. And even David wasn't the sweetest smelling rose himself. Makes me wonder if there's a lamp for me, so to speak.

Abijah's son Asa, however, did what was right in the eyes of God. He upset the system, throwing out the man-whores in the temple, and burning down the Asherah poles. He even deposed his own grandmother. This guy caused a ruckus for God, and ended up unifying some tribes and making treaties.

Nadab was evil as well. He was eventually killed by Baasha, who was the son of another guy named Ahijah. Baasha killed Jeroboam's entire family, thus fulfilling the word of God from Ahijah the prophet in the last chapter.

Apparently there's some annals of the kings of Israel, for further reading. I'll get right on that.

1 Ki. 14: Power Changes Hands

1 Kings 14:15 "And the LORD will strike Israel, so that it will be like a reed swaying in the water. He will uproot Israel from this good land that he gave to their forefathers and scatter them beyond the River, because they provoked the LORD to anger by making Asherah poles."

So both Jeroboam and Rehoboam turn out to be losers. They both led Israel into idolatry and polytheism. I probably shouldn't say "led." Probably reignited the polytheism in Israel. And how does God bring Jeroboam to the knowledge that his kingdom will be torn away, and his son will be the last in his line to be buried? Jeroboam's son falls ill, and he has his wife disguise herself to visit the prophet Ahijah. Why the disguise? Probably everyone knew the queen. Anyway, the LORD tells Ahijah she's coming, and gives him the words to say. Horrible, horrible words. Jeroboam's son is going to die as soon his wife gets home. Jeroboam knew what he was commanded to do. He didn't do it. And it cost him the kingdom. And it wasn't just not doing what he was told. The prophet tells him that he did more evil than any of his predecessors.

And the punishment isn't limited to just Jeroboam, all of Israel will be uprooted and scattered. This isn't God breaking a promise. It's God keeping a promise. It was the "Conditionally Promised Land." After 22 years of Jeroboam's reign, his son Nadab assumed the throne. Nadab...I've heard that name before. Ah yes, uh-oh.

Rehoboam's story isn't much better. Idolatry, Asherah poles, etc. Invasion by the Egyptians, who came in and took all the stuff out of the temple. They stole all the holy things. Even Solomon's gold shields from the Forest of Lebanon. To see how far Israel fell, the shields were replaced by bronze. Remember when silver was of no use to Solomon? Well now bronze is the replacement. And it wasn't even allowed to be decoration only. They were forced to be functional for the guards. Amazing. After Rehoboam's 17 year reign in Judah, his son Abijah takes over. Yes, I know Jeroboam's son was named Abijah, too. Different guys, apparently. Hopefully.

1 Ki. 13: Who's Who Here?

1 Kings 13:28 "Then he went out and found the body thrown down on the road, with the donkey and the lion standing beside it. The lion had neither eaten the body nor mauled the donkey."

Here's a story about an unnamed prophet. He comes to bring a warning to Jeroboam. He hangs out at Bethel, and speaks to an altar, telling it some dude named Josiah will be born to the line of David who is going to brutally set things right. The altar, currently being misused will be a tinderbox for the bones of the offending priests set up by Jeroboam. As a sign, the altar will split apart and ashes will fall all over the place.

Jeroboam hears about it, and stretches out his arm to have his men seize the unknown prophet. As he does, his hand gets all shriveled up like nine flabby grapes. Presumably arthritis is the condition to beset Jeroboam. Instant arthritis, can you imagine? Then the altar split apart. And ashes spilled. That was quick. Jeroboam calls on this prophet to have the LORD restore his hand. Not the calves at Bethel and Dan. The LORD. He knew where power came from. The prophet does so, and God heals Jerry's hand. He then invites the prophet to have dinner and receive a gift, probably so he could influence him in some way, or use him as a fortune teller...cheapening God's power in the process.

The prophet refuses and bails. Then there's this other prophet who finds out about the first prophet, and the other prophet's sons tell him about the first prophet so the other prophet comes to visit the first prophet and cons him into coming over to his house for dinner and drink. Then the LORD told the other prophet to tell the first prophet that he defied the word of the LORD in avoiding food and drink with men. And then I love this. The first prophet knew he was screwed, so he's like "Eff it, I'm finishing dinner! In for a penny, in for a pound." What was the deal with this second prophet? Did he want to meet with this first prophet, or was he just being a bastard?

Well, the second prophet saddles up the doomed first prophet and sends him on his way, where he proceeds to be killed by a lion. So then the second prophet, with at least a little regret, picks up the Josiah-predicting prophet, and buries him in his own tomb, and demands that he be buried next to him. What the heck is that all about?

Jerry still didn't take this message to heart, continuing to anoint priests that weren't Levites, as God commanded originally. This will end well.

1 Ki. 12: Traps, Ensnares

1 Kings 12:24 "'This is what the LORD says: Do not go up to fight against your brothers, the Israelites. Go home, every one of you, for this is my doing.' " So they obeyed the word of the LORD and went home again, as the LORD had ordered."

This chapter is a political cluster-fooey, and it took like six times to read it. Ridiculous. Rehoboam is the king, but the nation of Israel appears to prefer Jeroboam, who had fled to Egypt. Rehoboam sought advice from the elders to decide what to do with the people of Israel, who requested that he not be as hard on them as Solomon apparently was. After a three day thought vacay, Rehoboam rejects the advice of the elders to give the people what they want, and for some reason threatens to crack down on them even harder. What a jerk.

Israel heard about this, and was like, "Well forget this guy, we'll rule ourselves." They even stoned the guy who came out to force labor on them. And they would have killed that snaked Rehoboam, too, but he got away in the chariot.

Jeroboam was back in town, so Israel was like, "He's gotta be a better option." So they made him the king instead. Redividing the kingdom. Only one tribe, Judah, was loyal to Rehoboam and the Davidic line. They were able to get Benjamin on their side, too. Benjamin's loyalties, throughout history, appear to be very flexible. They are like Julian Sark if the Bible were a really long episode of Alias. Which makes sense, considering Joseph's blessing on their patriarch. Rehoboam takes Judah and Benjamin to fight, but God tells them to cool their jets, man, so they obey and go back home. They obeyed the direct word of the LORD. Which is good. Finally. Why did God not want them to fight against Jeroboam? Especially considering what happened next.

Jeroboam turned out to be a mess as well, installing golden calves for worship in Bethel and Dan. These gods were probably more installed to divert travel to the temple to keep the wrong people out of Jerusalem. The wrong people who would maybe kill him and turn for Rehoboam. He even installed priests for these ridiculous idols, completely flying in the face of what God commanded, claiming that it was these gods who brought Israel out of Egypt. Their leader set the traps for them.

1 Ki. 11: Shedding the Mortal Coil

1 Kings 11:11 "So the LORD said to Solomon, 'Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates.'"

Solomon gets into the same sort of trouble as his father did, with his libido. He hooked up with chicks far and wide, hot and not, chaste and skanktified. And just as before, hooking up with foreign women meant hooking up with polytheism. In addition to the Temple of the LORD, Solomon set up high places for Chemosh and Molech, additionally, Solomon followed Ashtoreth for a period of time.

What did God say? God said not to follow these gods. But Solomon did. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines to keep happy religiously. Of course he was going to stray. Women overtook God in order of importance.

Was it merely a matter of keeping these women happy? Why would tail supersede religion? What was it about these women that made his heart turn away? Was it only pleasure? Was it only reputation? What could cause a man who was visited personally by God twice to turn away from God? To actually follow these other gods, when he knew the LORD was the one true God?

Because of this, God raised up some adversaries to make life hard for Solomon, politically and militarily. And it is interesting, the story of Hadad the Edomite. Hadad was just a boy when David and Joab crushed Edom. He bided his time in Egypt, until he saw that David was dead to make his move. Did God spare Hadad because he knew Solomon would one day turn away from Him? Or did God merely use Hadad's situation out of convenience?

Another rebel was Solomon's own subordinate, as God said in verse 11. Jeroboam was his name. A laborer in charge of building terraces or something, Jeroboam was met by the prophet Ahijah, who happened to be wearing a new cloak. Which is nice. It's nice to have new things. Especially cloaks. Those are great. The cloak had a purpose, and it wasn't for wearing. Ahijah tore it into twelve pieces. To represent the twelve tribes of Israel. Ten tribes went to Jeroboam, and one tribe went to Solomon, because God had made a promise to David, that his line would always be on the throne. So thats eleven. And the twelvth... the twelfth...that tribe goes to...doesn't say...but Jeroboam was told he would rule over all he desired...so maybe to Jeroboam? I guess we'll find out.

So the kingdom is divided again. Also, Jeroboam was given the "follow my statues and obey my commands" speech, but isn't given a permanent place on the throne in place of David's line.

Then Solomon dies after 40 years on the throne, and Rehoboam becomes king. Maybe Rehoboam gets the 12th Tribe?

1 Ki. 10: She's All Heart

1 Kings 10:7 "But I did not believe these things until I came and saw with my own eyes. Indeed, not even half was told me; in wisdom and wealth you have far exceeded the report I heard."

The Queen of Sheba (yeah, apparently there is such a broad...er...woman. Just lost half my female readership. Well, sad to lose you both.) visits Solomon, out of curiosity. She heard the stories, but just had to see for herself. She believed the hype. And hype was something Solomon lived up to and more. Solomon took the time to sit with the queen and answer all of her questions. What she had heard about Solomon wasn't even the half of what she experienced. And this is very interesting to me. In all that I know about God, I wonder if I only know the half...have only heard a fraction...and someday when I am gathered to my forefathers, and meet him, I will be blown away like the Queen of Sheba was with Solomon...aren't you curious?

Solomon received 666 talents of gold per year as tribute. OK. 666 talents translates to 25 tons. Gold's value right now is $827.00 per ounce. That translates to a yearly tribute of $661,600,000.00. Which is mind numbing. Adjusted for inflation...thats...I don't have a calculator big enough....roughly $297,720,000,000,000.00 according to the consumer price index. Yeah, that's almost 300 trillion dollars. A year. That's a lot. Hokey toots. How does that number exist? Solomon's wealth was incomprehensible. Compare that to his wisdom. Equally as incomprehensible. Think of the wisest person you know. For me that's Phil Long. Obviously. What if you couldn't comprehend that person's wisdom?

Solomon was so rich, silver was tossed on the refuse heap. He had no time for that junk. Can you believe being that wealthy? He must have followed God's commands and turned neither to the right nor the left.

1 Ki. 9: Never Leave You

1 Kings 9:7 "then I will cut off Israel from the land I have given them and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. Israel will then become a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples."

After Solomon recovers from his big national party, God meets with him. He actually appeared to Solomon previously at Gibeon. So, this was still a novel thing for Solomon. He was the king. God's anointed, and this was only the second time the LORD appeared to him. This isn't some social call. This isn't a pat on the back, its a sobering challenge. Again God tells Israel's leader to obey His commands and decrees. And I love that God says He Himself has consecrated the temple. God's presence in itself is reward. What a thought. Do you think that today? A reward? For what?

But along with all the nasty terrible stuff that could happen to Israel, like famine and war and death, God introduces a new concept.

He says that Israel will become a byword and an object of ridicule. How horrible that must have been to hear for Solomon. No one wants to believe that at some point their nation could be a joke, forgotten. It doesn't take a deep history scholar to realize that happened eventually, so someone somewhere along the line didn't get the memo, or refused to heed it. Currently, and I haven't seen the news lately, but there doesn't appear to be a descendant of the line of David on the throne in Israel.

In other news, Solomon, as a reward to Hiram, the King of Tyre who hooked him up with a bunch of cedar and stuff, gives him twenty cities. These apparently aren't good cities. Biblical ghettoes, as it were. Hiram knew what was going on, these cities were junk, and he named them as such. Even so, he still sent men with Solomon's to sea to get some gold for some reason.

Solomon continues building up the city, using laborers conscripted from remnants of the HACPHAJ, which Israel couldn't or wouldn't drive out.