2 Sa. 2: New King, New War

2 Samuel 16: "Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent's side, and they fell down together. So that place in Gibeon was called Helkath Hazzurim."

David, probably ready to become king after a period of mourning, finally asks God where he should go, and God has him head to Judah. Hebron, to be exact.

From there, he is anointed king over Judah. However, Abner finds Ish-Bosheth, a descendant of Saul, and installs him king over the rest of Israel. There can't be two kings in one nation! Absurd. David, of course, is God's chosen king.

Then the two sides go to some pool one day and sit across from each other. They count off 12 guys from each side, and have them compete in a deadly hand-to-hand battle, one on one. And each man grabs his opponent by the hair, and stabs him to death, and they both went down together. How completely ridiculous. This display of bravado, and basically, a pissing match was pretty anticlimactic, turning out in the worst way possible for each side.

Then they go to war. Three brothers end up chasing an obviously scared Abner, and he was constantly at least one step ahead of Asahel, who, besides having his name made up of two naughty words, was described as being as fleet of foot as a gazelle. Abner was slightly faster apparently, and had time to turn around and stab Asahel to death. Then Asahel's brothers, Joab and Abishai take over the chase, but Abner gets back up from the Benjamites, so everyone goes home and David claims victory. So...nothing was really solved here.